Inadequate

I am super sad. I had to call out sick a day last week so on my check I didn't make very much money. I was hoping to have enough so I could buy some books this week but I didn't. Sad. I barely have enough for all my bills. I really wanted to read the new Kushiel's Legacy book that came out, the last one in the series. I guess it can wait a little bit though since I wouldn't be able to read it right off even if I did buy it, because I have a bunch of library books right now too. So I'll be patient for a little bit more.

I hope I can get more money sometime soon, because my glasses keep breaking. I took them in to be fixed last time and the optometrist said that I should just get new ones, these aren't going to last much longer. I want to get contacts but they are expensive, too, either way I have to get an eye exam again and the exam itself costs money too.

I like being independent, but at the same time I hate not having anything to fall back on. I don't have savings or insurance or anything. It's pretty depressing.

It's my fault though.

I hate complaining all the time when I write so I haven't written any posts in a while. I might not for a while again until good things happen again!

Frustration

I hate Macy's. I bought some jeans about a month ago, if not more, and left them there to be altered using my free service from having a platinum card, and then since no one ever called me to tell them they were ready, I called this week to see if they were ready. They were. Becky said no one had called me because they were training new people and the new people didn't really know everything yet. So when Ross went down there to spend his graduation gift card today, he went to pick them up, and they weren't there.

How do you lose a pair of jeans? I called, to find out, and Cheryl, this time, said that they must have gone back out because there's only one shelf for alterations, both incoming and outgoing.

How much more stupid can you get? First of all, if you're going to be dumb enough to put incoming and outgoing things on the same damn shelf, at least put a label or a bag or something to differentiate them! Second, wouldn't the seamstress know that they have already been altered because she just brought them back?

I'm incredibly angry.

Creativity

I really wish I had a sewing machine. The one I bought a while back broke, or at least never worked very well, and I want a good one. I always want to sew things, but when I read historical fiction that has people making their own clothes, I want to make clothes even more, and I don't mind sewing things by hand, it's not very hard, but it does take a very long time and it's hard on my eyes, even with glasses, I usually get headaches. Also there are never any patterns for things I would like to make, so I have to make them up myself, and sometimes that works better than other times. I also want to learn embroidery again, my mom taught me some things when I was really young and I could probably do it if I tried, but maybe not. I wish more people did this kind of thing these days. It seems sad that everything is done by machines now, when it's so pretty when done by hand.

Multiplicity

I was just remembering today a lot of the stories I wrote years ago and wishing that I still had them. I think they were all on the old computer that my dad bought. They must have been since that was the only computer we had, until I got back from Japan and Uncle Paul got the Dell computer for me. Unfortunately, though, that was the computer that Jennifer and her boyfriend got a virus onto somehow, and everything was gone from the computer by the time I got back from Japan. I lost all my stories and some other stuff that I had on there, it wasn't too important but the stories were. I mean, since it was from a long time ago it wasn't that good, but some of it was school assignments that I would like to have kept, and there were all the stories that I wrote that I could get ideas from to rewrite now, but they're all gone. It's really sad. I hate it when stuff like that happens. Ross lost his flash drive that had some of his writing stuff on there so that's what made me remember, and I keep thinking of little bits of stories that I wrote and I wish that I still had them somewhere.

Intrinsic

I’ve never liked yellow moons because they are too low and too bright and not at all what I think the moon should be like. They look scary, sickly almost, and they’ve always kind of freaked me out.

Space is kind of scary to think about in general. Sometimes I think I would like to be an astronomer, and study space and try to find solutions to overcrowding by colonizing space and finding new technology and all sorts of things like that, but then I think about how big space is, and how much of so many different things are out there, and I get a little scared because there’s just too much. It’s like the future, almost, it’s so vast with so many possibilities and things you don’t know about, so that if you think about it for too long it unnerves you.

Velocity

Ross and I had lunch at Dairy Queen today and when we got home we discovered that our lunch had been about 1780 calories worth of deliciousness. So he took me to work to get my bike, I had to leave it there yesterday since it was raining and I was wearing a dry-clean-only sweater, and I rode it down to Hollywood Video and Blockbuster to see if there were any good movies (there weren't) and then went back home. It was a really nice ride, since it was raining a little off and on, and really dark and cloudy but still nice.

I have to send my acceptance letter back to Central with $55 check. I wish you didn't have to pay just to be accepted, because you have to give a crapload of money to them anyway for the next four years, so it seems kind of overkill. But I will do it, I pretty much have enough money right now anyway. I'm just happy to be going back to school.

I really like my new computer. It has some things about it that are a little bit annoying, but for the most part it's really nice. The keyboard is really cool, too. So I'm glad I got it even though I have to pay it back superfast. I'm working on it.

Motivation

I'm so depressed. I had carefully planned out all the things I needed to use my money for, but then it all disappeared. I have about $15 in my bank account to last me until next Wednesday! I really have to be more careful, I don't know what happened. I thought I had enough money for everything but I guess I underestimated my money, when I thought I was overestimating. I'm usually really careful and I always have money left over, but this time I don't know what happened. So from now on I'm going to make sure I keep much better track and make better planning lists and not spend any extra money without accounting for it. I should get a banking book to keep track of it, or just write it in a little notebook, I have enough of them.

It's sad, too, I wanted to get pizza for dinner, that's why I checked. Of course, if I hadn't I'd be in trouble. I really wanted pizza though. Brian made "spaghetti" which was bowtie noodles with sauce. It's not spaghetti. Spaghetti is long skinny noodles. I hate it when people call things the wrong name. Anyway, his sauce is gross, and I don't really like just noodles with sauce. So I made myself soup and cheese and crackers, and then I had a doughnut because Ross bought doughnuts today, and then he looked at my plate and said, "So, cheese and crackers for dinner?", like I turned my nose up at his food. Excuse me for eating my own food in my own house. And he made a big deal about making dinner since we (I) make enough dinner for everyone most of the time. I don't think it's polite to only make dinner for two people if there's going to be enough for three, and just tell him he can't have any. That's rude. I spend a good amount of money on all the groceries, though, so don't just buy some crap sauce and think it makes up for that. And don't make a huge fucking mess on the stove I just cleaned and then get all affronted when I ask you to wipe it up. I mean, honestly.

So I'm really excited for when we move out. Except Ross didn't get the internship in Oregon, and I'm sad about that, even though I didn't want him to be so far away, but he wanted to get it and I wanted him to get it. He doesn't know what he's going to do and I don't want him to feel bad or in trouble about not finding an internship or anything. I worry about it because he can't even graduate unless he finds one. That would be really sad if they didn't let him graduate after he did all the work, just because of a dumb internship. Especially because it's partially the fault of the graphic design program's being poorly structured that he's having trouble.

I have to write a letter to Mrs Okada about going straight into third-year Japanese, I was looking through the textbooks again and they both look pretty easy, but second year looks especially easy. So I definitely want to start at third year. I really hope I can go to school because even with doing more writing and sewing I am very bored. Work is okay, but it's not school. I need something to stimulate my mind. I've been reading tons of books but that isn't enough, in fact it only makes it worse if there are students in the books.

I am starting my new work schedule tomorrow. Thursday and Friday I'm going in from 11 until closing, 5:30, but after that I will be doing 11:30 to 5:30 for the forseeable future, and then I don't know what. So, I have to start going to bed earlier.